Stories

So, I was getting ready to move to NY and a group of co-workers took me out for a going away celebration. Sounded harmless enough - a nice night out with friends bar-hopping and dancing. Little did I know, I would find myself face-down in a slice of pepperoni pizza at Fuel while my friends raided my purse. To their chagrin, one of the more "innocent" co-workers pulled out my pink...how should I word this...playmate (ladies, you know what I'm talking about). The worst part of all, is that my best friend took a picture of me face-down in my pie and now uses it as my picture ID when I call her. Needless to say, that was an fn crazy night!!!

So there I was I the middle of the Caribbean on a cruise destined for nowhere, and by nowhere I mean Mexico. One afternoon after a long stressful day of drinking and sexually harassing girls by the pool we decided to call it an afternoon. As the crew was walking in their rooms we all witnessed a lovers quarrel by the rooms. Now the girl in this argument was very attractive but was not the classiest girl we had ever seen. Later on that evening the boys were once again tailgating before we went to bar on the ship, when said name girl comes down the passageway unescorted. So we do what any young respectable young men would do and offer her a cocktail. AS the night precedes the said name girl tells us how she is on the cruise with her boyfriend and how they have been dating for years. If I Didn't mention it before her boyfriend was a huge meat head. Shortly after she confessed her love for her boyfriend and said that their argument was just a little tuffle, we decided to go dancing. I remember ordering a drink turning around to dance and one friend of mine which we will leave nameless, is doing things on the dance floor, well lets just say good thing we were in international waters. Next thing I know he comes up to me and says let me get the key to the room,me and the trollop are going to get a drink. About a hour elapses when he returns to tell us how he piped the girl in his room. Apparently she left immediately after that. For the next three days on the ship there wasn't a second that went by that I didn't think my friend was gonna get beat up. I mean how do cheat on your boyfriend while on a cruise him, and also how do hook up with a girl that has a boyfriend on the boat. The next few days were filled with awkward glances and uncomfortable passing, but in the end it is all about the story.

The night of my 21st birthday we decide to go at mid-night to the local dive bar Nicklebee's to have my first official drink.. well I just broke up with my boyfriend a week before and my girlfriend T and N who shall remain nameless were my accomplices. we went to the bar ordered some shots called a blow job the bartenders choice, of course(such a perve). It is the the worst shot ever!!! You have to put your mouth on it and tilt your head back drink it without using your hands. Not to mention it has whipped cream on top..We have shot after shot not to mention T wasn't even 21 yet so we are taking shots in the women's bathroom. We are all wasted!!Some how I drunk dial and my ex comes, takes us back to my house. On the way home he stops at Wawa for my friends and their drunk munchies. I then start puking my guts up in the Wawa parking lot just as a cop rolls in. My ex and friends rush out to the car and get me back in the car. My ex gives me Pepto Bismol start puking pink out the window..He drives me like that all the way home.Next morning wake up and realized that there was pictures of the whole night....it was one FN Crazy Night!

I didn't walk that fat b#tch home.....

So in the wonderful year that was the hillmont circle house, a large group of us went out to celebrate one of our friends birthdays. We went to a terrible college bar that was only a couple blocks from the house. We were by far the oldest people in the club but we were determined to have a good time. as the shots, beers, shots, vt's, shots, and more shots ensued one of our more bearded friends starts dancing and making out with a girl that was twice his size, and he's not a small guy. once we're good and liquored we all decide to head home, many of us in seperate ways. Some drove when they shouldn't have, I walked until I realized I was right by a booty call's apartment and I called her to pick me up, yet our bearded friend decided to walk the entire way home with his new larger playmate. He was so drunk it took him an hour and a half to walk the maybe two blocks because he went the absolute wrong way so by the time they got to the house, everybody was winding down. He left his ladyfriend on the patio with the birthday boy, while he went to take a piss. While he was gone our birthday boy asked her if she wanted to go upstairs with him. She accepted and they went upstairs passing beardface on the way, with him not realizing what was happening. Once the bedroom door was locked he realized it was too late, and began banging on the door, screaming and shouting, throwing shoes, cds, and whatever else he could find at the door. This woke up everyone else in the house. he finally calmed down and stewed in his room til the morning. When birthday boy finally appeared in the morning for a smoke on the patio, all the bearded one could muster at the top of his lungs was, "I DIDN'T WALK THAT FAT B@TCH HOME SO THE BIRTHDAY BOY COULD F&%$ HER!!!" What a psycho, and what an fn crazy night!!

A couple years back I got a break from work and a bunch of us decided to go to Vegas. On the way there one of my friends declared that his main goal was finding a 35 year old M.I.L.F. during the trip. Since he was 25 or 26 at the time, it was a goal that was at the top of his list. We spent most of the first day on the tables where I just happened to run into a gorgeous blonde playing two people down. Not to give too much detail but she was there with her friends, we hung out with them all night, hit about 3 or 4 different clubs (I think),saw hidden tattoos in dark places, many of the people in each club saw body parts exposed, ended the night with most of us in the same room and anything else that you could probably imagine...oh yeah, did I mention that two of them were 35 and all of them were M.I.L.F.'s! It was definitely one FN CRAZY NIGHT!!!

Last Summer I had taken an internship that required me to move out of the state for 3 months. Due to the nature of this job though I was given extremely long holiday vacations though.

I decided for the 4th of July to head back to my college town to celebrate with my friends. Since I was making good money over the summer I decided to spring for a keg. We all loaded up and headed over to an acquaintances house to consume said keg, and to roast a pig.

My buddy who we will refer to from here on out as Gary, decides early on that he is going to challenge the fattest girl there to a drinking contest. What he failed to realize was that she was probably the best drinker there. Now to this day I still do not know the specifics of the wager but I do know that as the day wore on and the two of them continued to try and out drink one another they got to be better and better friends.

The night rolls around and we decide it is time to head to a bar to get a change of scenery. We still haven't finished the keg, but we know the owner of one of the local college bars. After a bit of horse trading he agrees to let us bring our keg in, so long as we agree to drink x amount of shots. Gary and his new lady friend take off upstairs to have a magical evening together, while the rest of us continue to party.

Closing time rolls around and Gary and his new friend are no where to be found. We all automatically assume that the alcohol took control and that Gary decided to go home with a hippo.

At 6 A.M. my phone rings, its my buddy Gary telling me to come and get him. As it turned out he fell asleep underneath the outside stairs at the bar with the hippo right next to him. That was a crazy night.

The other night I was at work, knowing full well I wouldn't get off until 4 A.M. I planned ahead and bought plenty of energy drinks. That particular night we had a Greek mixer scheduled. The planned arrival time comes and none of the Girls/guys have shown up. We really weren't too concerned though, because they had already paid to rent the place out so it was their time/money at that point. Midnight rolls around and 15 sorostitutes show up dressed like they had just gotten into a fight with the a local Home Depot. Evidently the theme was Nail and Screw. This sorority is well known around campus to be a little on the heavy side, and perhaps that is why the majority of their Fraternity counterparts didn't show up for another hour or so after they did. The party kicks off and shortly before closing time a group of girls not connected with that particular sorority comes in and starts drinking at the downstairs bar. The chunky bitches and their dates take off around 2. With only about half an hour or so left before closing time, the staff and this set of girls sit down and start getting some business done at the bar. After we lock up we knockout a quick clean up and go back to drinking with our new friends. This buffoonery continues and around 4:30 other employees from other bars in town start showing up. Next thing I know one of the girls flips out and says she has to get home so she can make her 8 AM class, I ask her what time it is because I too have an 8 A.M. she replies that it is 7:30 in the morning. I suppose in retrospect the sun coming up should have been a clue but whatever. I run home take a shower and sprint to class. I make it on time, albeit extremely drunk. The night may have only been a 5/10 in terms of the craziness, but the next day was definitely a 15/10 in terms of suck.

So in college there were three rituals every student was supposed to do before graduating- it was called the triathlon. Two of the events were streaking the field in the center of campus where everyone always hung out, and swimming in the disgusting muddy lake on campus, the third I won't cover in this story. After going out for a few drinks a bunch of us decided to combine these 2 events and try to get as many people as possible to join. It was only about 11pm, so people were still out. We went out to the field, stripped, and took off running.There were probably about 10 of us to start, and more people joined along the way. Once we got across the field, we decided to swim naked too...why get our clothes muddy right? Then the rain started, so we decided not to bother with the clothes at all, we'd just walk back across campus to the sorority house naked. Several more people joined the group during the walk back. So about 20 naked people - drenched and covered in mud - ended up walking all the way across campus, crossing a major road, and filing in to the sorority house. I went to school in a tourist area, so if the tourists were still out, it probably wasn't the sightseeing they expected! To make it even worse, one of the shyest girls in the sorority was watching a movie with her new boyfriend in the living room when we all filed in...probably a memorable introduction for him! Definitely an FN Crazy Night!

My friend set me up on a blind date with a guy from work. We had a mediocre dinner and then went downtown because I wanted to go where I didn't know anybody in case the date sucked. Since my date bought dinner I offered to buy the first round but when I pulled out my wallet from my purse my vibrator fell out on the bar. The female bartender tried to grab it quickly for me but it fell on the floor and turned on just as some idiot was walking and kicked it halfway across the dance floor. I pretended that nothing happened, since my date was too busy looking at some girl across the bar, but a guy that apparently saw what happened walked over to me and put my battery operated friend back on the bar next to me. I tried to tell him it wasn't mine but it was too late. My date saw it, along with most of the people around us, and the bartender laughing hysterically didn't help either. I tried to laugh it off but have never been so embarrassed in my life!

Last night I wanted to have a little get together at the crib. My boys and I spread the word around the bar and gave everyone directions back to the house. Since we took a cab to the bar, we had to take one back from the bar to my house before everyone got there. The guy driving the cab had no idea where he was going and it took about an hour to go 10 minutes away. All the people at my house were sitting outside drunk and anxious and decided it was a good idea to be as loud as possible at 2:20 am. The cops came and broke everything up before I even made it there and when the cab driver finally got me to my house, I was welcomed with a noise violation and all my plants and chairs were busted on my porch. I don't know who I am more mad at, the people who caused the chaos or the cab driver who was an idiot.

It was in the middle of a pretty day on the lake with friends, a boat, a knee board thing and lots of alcohol. We spent the first half of the morning at the pool but decided to hit the lake for some real excitement. Two guys we met a few times asked us to go knee boarding, or wake boarding (don't know which it is).  By this time we were feeling pretty good from the drinks, so of course we said, "Why not". The guys went first and were playing around and taking off before the other one in the water was actually ready, which was kind of cool seeing them holding onto the rope for a minute with no board. When it was my turn to go, my girlfriend got to control the boat and decided that it would be funny to try the same with me. Little did she know that when she took off with the boat (faster than the guys were doing it) she would tear my bottoms right off of me. I wasn't an expert at this sport yet so I panicked and kept holding the rope while crashing through the water screaming bloody murder the whole way. They helped her stop the boat and pulled me in towards the boat. I tried to tell my girl what happened quietly but she was still laughing and couldn't understand me, since I was crying hysterically. I was so pissed off I hopped back in the boat and made one of the guys give me their shorts for taking us out there without any towels. Who doesn't bring a towel on the lake? My bottom was torn so I kept wearing his shorts, which were surprisingly comfortable. I feel bad because it wasn't even his fault but whatever, I was mad...We went in and the guy actually walked past everyone commando to his car and put on a pair of jeans from his trunk. We were laughing soooo hard and I felt so bad for being such a bitch to him that I decided to pay for more alcohol and we continued the already crazy day on the lake.

I got a crazy ass night and morning for you. i got up when i heard my door open to my house.. There was this guy standing in my hall way, just before i lit his ass up, he looked scared and said. man i am so sorry, I don't know where I am and I woke up on your couch? wtf dude, I am sure I locked the door, and I have know idea how the fuck he got here. I could tell his ass was scared, and he did not know what to do, so I let him use my phone, and got him the fuck out of my house. then the cops came over, they picked him up down the road, and they were like, you should have called us, and I was like, trust me, I had that poor guy, he has had a long day as it is. lol fucking crazy morning. lol

I came home without my credit card last night. I don't know exactly where I left it or how long it was missing. Looks like someone is getting some shit on my tab today!

So one night i'am hanging with my girl and one of the guys from Vh1's Tool Academy around a pit fire. So were just hanging out drinking and playing cornhole when someone says....hey bet you wont take the fire poker out and stick it to your butt!!  Hell naw I wont do that unless....(insert) 151 liquer shots!   After a few shots and a few beers like (9) later i said sure. Took out the fire poker handed it to his girl, dropped my pants and said..."stick my right cheek and make it fast".  Slam like a freight train she goes with the poker making a sizzling sound as it hits my skin.   Note to reader-- flesh doesnt smell good when it burns.  back to story.   So i jump up and scream like a girl and drop my butt to the grass and start to drag it across grass as if it would cool it down.  note to self  IT DIDNT WORK.  The next morning when I woke up I went to the bathroom to pee and felt my boxers sticking to me and went and pulled them off....when I suddenly realized the stupid thing I had done before and now felt the second stupid thing I had done in two days.  One get drunk with a tool near fire! and Two not take better care of the wound before passing out.   So when ever you see one of the tool academy guys ask them if they heard the story of the 4 donts and the fire poker.  One of them poked themselves that night as well...

I went to my boys house the other night for a party. He had a shitload of people there and three kegs to float. I decided to jump on the beer pong table for a minute, which turned into most of the night so pacing myself was out the window early. At around 2 or whatever, I felt like I was going to get sick so I decided to tell everyone that I had to head out because I had shit to do the next morning. On the way to the car my stomach decided to eject all substances onto a Tahoe parked a few cars down from mine. I gathered myself for a minute and got in my car, locked the doors and put the seat back to listen to some tunes trying to sober up. Next thing I know I got woken up by a dog barking and realized that I had passed out and slept there all night. The worst thing was that my driver side window was down the entire night with both my car and radio still on. I don't know how many people saw my ass there during the night but as far as I know nobody took any of my shit. 

So I get home last night and my boyfriend is passed  out on the couch, fully dressed with the tv on. That wouldn't be that bad if the house wasn't filled with smoke from the mac n cheese noodles burning on the stove. Apparently he got home, put the shit on the stove and fell asleep.........I got home three hours after that and left work early. He is banned from the stove!

So I get to my dads one night to hang and drink a few when I start to hear this crazy story...and well decided you all need to know! So to make it short....A guy we know got really hammered or my word of choice  (SHRODY) after drinking at the bar with my dad.  My dad kept telling me about this Shot this bartender makes that after a few your pretty much done...even the strong drinkers. So he took the challenge,and this is what happen. He wakes up in the middle of the night, walks into my mom and dad's room. Drops his pants to the floor and starts to pee on there dresser drawers. Now this isnt just any pee... hes firehosing it all over the place.  My mom wakes and says, "SAYS HEY FUCKER YOUR PISSING ON MY DRESSER!!".  He turns and say NAW..go back to sleep.  Hes swaying left to right as if hes putting out a fire.  thenpulls his pants up and goes back into the other room and crashes.  The next morning Has no idea what hes done.  SInce then we have set up ideas for blinking arrows pointing to every bathroom in the house. This way you can miss it.  I started to think...hhmmmm... what if he did make it to the bathroom...would it matter considering he was peeing in a waving motion.  Hey I made it to the bathroom this time but pissed on everything. So either way  the moral of the story is Dont let your friends piss Drunk!!

I was at Whisky River for Rangtang Tuesday a few weeks ago... had so much fun. Then my friend bet me $20 that I couldn't fit my whole body into a VIP compartment (you know where you stash your purses so they don't get stolen) SUCCESS!!!!.... but I then got stuck and needed bouncers help getting out :( Oh well... I won the bet!)

Whisky River is a blast on Tuesday nights! Can't wait to go this Tuesday for the FNCrazyNight's party!!!

So my friends and me took a limo bus from the university area to downtown Charlotte to Whiskey River for my 21st birthday.   I met a hot platinum blonde girl with tall stilettos and shiny silver lip balm.  She definitely looked like a hooker, which is rather fitting because we took the limo bus to the strip club after the bar.  My friend Steveo was wasted to the point where he asked the girl, who was referred to as “her” in my cell phone, to show him her tits.  For a good 20 minutes, blackout Steveo couldn’t understand why she wasn’t taking off her shirt and bra, until we finally got through to him and he realized she wasn’t a stripper.  After this, my drunk ass feels its about time to get out of this place and see if I can take this girl back to the limo for a little while.  We start fooling around on the bus when she says she doesn’t wanna have sex but she’ll blow me.  Well after a little persuasion and pulling the birthday card, her panties were down shortly after. I pulled the bootleg brand condom I bought earlier from the bathroom dispenser outta my pocket and slipped that baby on.  Caring not about the time or the outside world I start going to town on this chick, when I see a head pop up to the window next to me.  I take a better look and realize that my buddy Johnny is on my other friend’s shoulders getting a front row seat to my recent conquest.  I then look all around outside the bus and all of my friends, 18 or so drunk ass pals, are all outside the limo and at this point know what’s going on.  I signal out to them that I need a couple more minutes and they all scream and yell as I finish.  Due to the position of the girl and the loud music, she wasn’t able to see that everyone of my friends were right outside peeking in windows, but when she finally stood up and saw, she was extremely surprised to say the least.  With a big shit-eating grin, my drunk ass swung the bus door open and launched the used condom into the crowd of friends like a baseball player throwing a souvenir into the stands.  I hear, “motherfucker”…come to find out it smacked my friend Tommy straight in the forehead…As the girl embarrassingly cried and carried her heels through the swarm of people and probably the longest walk of shame in her life, my highly intoxicated friends yell profanities at her…such as “Wow look at this whore”, and “Hahaa yah man fuck that bitch”.  Mind you this girl is a solid 40-minute walk away from Whiskey River, where she ditched her friends to hang out with me…to top it off, her cell phone was dead.  All I have to show for it is a silver sparkled mustache and the memory of one of the best birthdays ever!

So My friend was going on his second date with a really hot Chick, and asked if I wanted to double date with one of her friends. Asuming that she would be Hot like his date, I accepted. To my surprize she was at least 250 lbs of a lot of woman!!! He begged me to stay and he would pay for all my drinks to not ruin his nite. So as he fed me shots and beer all nite, The 250lb whale that was my date began to look like a kate beckingsale to me some how...so as the night goes on, we end up sucking face, as I'm making out with this monster, I began to go for second base and grab some boob. as I have my hand under her shirt, fondeling this balloon bag , she seems to be squirming away from me, So I get more aggressive feeling her up , thinking to myself < is she really squirming away from me , I'm doing her the favor;......Well truth be told, I was feeling up one of her fat rolls, thinking it was her breast...Not only did I jump back as soon as I realized, but I tripped and hit the floor in the process... One F'N CRAZY NIGHT scoring one for the team.